In retrospect..

I missed being a student...sigh.. I missed waking up when its 2pm and sleep when its 6am...i miss all of it...

Some...

Sometimes, somewhere in life; you want something so bad but you cant have it....

Sometimes, somewhere in life; you need someone so bad but you cant have her....

Sometimes, somewhere in life; life mimics death....

Sometimes. somewhere in life; you loath yourself till your last breath...

Sometimes...wanting to be somebody;some day, somewhere...will cause misery untold...

Sometimes...someday i will not leave a single stone unturned...

Sometimes, somewhat, somehow...i'll be somebody someday...

Closures

Do you ever had the feeling that you need to close some chapters of your life badly? I do, without closure.. i find it hard to move on. Indecisiveness is a trait that i would like to discard for good, but sometimes when it comes to heart strings being tugged, you cant help but be indecisive.

Life as it seems is a tad too simple for me this days. Goals and ambition has been intertwined with money and getting out of the rat race. I need closure to move on. And i did get some this week and hopefully some next week.

But my past has always come back and bite me in the ass, no matter how hard i try to accommodate or avoid it, it still hurts. To me, its the little things in life that matters the most. A simple smile or a compliment goes a long way. I have bore the brunt of being the joke with friends for god knows how long. But I don't mind, because I've gotten accustomed with it. Nicknames and derogatory remarks i usually shrugged off with the simplest of ease.

But it hurts badly, when someone close to you choose to take the low road and bombard you with cheap shots. I don't mind, because of that person's actions, I have found the closure I need to move on. I've tried very very hard to keep in touch with my friends. No matter of what creed and race, I tried...sometimes too hard.

Recently went out to dinner with 2 old friends. They said I've change. To a certain extent i did. What strikes me the most about old friends is that, they still think and assume you were the same person before. Even though there is no apparent physical change, they assume you are still the same.

The only thing that is permanent is change. People evolve and grow, they don't stagnate at a certain point for quite long. Growing older is mandatory yet I don't see a lot of people growing up. I remember a debater friend finely put in an argument where he applied the Normal graph. Problem is, i do not know how many plateaus i must hit before i reach my peak, or how many before I fall. This plateau I'm facing now in life is interesting and challenging. I'm concentrating a lot on work which is challenging and interesting in nature. I get to meet CEOs and top management level people of all sorts of company. I genuinely enjoy my line of work regardless of monetary gains. However I need closure on certain issues, and thank God I got them.

It's sad in a sense that, my love life has hit rock bottom. haha. but all is good. I've gotten a closure on a very long and painful issue. So I'm happy. But life is never kind...will never be kind and when you down for the count, some idiot will spit on your face. I'm ok. I've mastered the art of laughing at yourself and too a certain extent, ridicule for life. Its all or nothing. I'll be a milionaire before im 35 or i will die trying. I've gotten very gung ho about things. Im not sure whether its for the better or worse...But time will tell if I made the right choices and I close the right chapters in my life. Cheers!!

In Memory of Cien Yang

It has been somewhat a very paradoxical week for me. I've attended 2 wakes in a space of a week. One is Jia Sheng's late grandmother wake and the other one was for a good friend by the name of Teoh Cien Yang. Its paradoxical that you only realize how much the person is worth to you when you when they are gone. Its paradoxical that you only realize that the person closest to you doesnt always have to be the person you knew longer...

It was a heart wrenching site as I saw Cien Yang's body twice... The 1st time was with Noel, Yen Chong and Stefan...blood was oozing out from his nose. As they have already nailed the casket, they couldnt clean it.

The 2nd time was with Kelly, who was my junior in UKM. She and two of her friends Steph and Lynn (im not sure how to spell her name) flew down from KL as soon as she heard about the news. Kelly only knew Cien Yang for 4 months.

Again it was a fate worst than death for me, to actually bring them to Cien Yang's body to pay their respects. They cried, they were stupified and they wallowed in grief. I try keeping a brave face all the time. Eventually a tear or 2 came out and I went for a fag.

His nickname for me in Free School was fat f**k, and my nickname for him was short f**k. We were close because of 2 things, 1. The Editorial Board and 2. Only heroes will only heroes. Haha, sounds a bit of cliche, but ya in other words only the cheeky ones will know the cheeky ones. I finally found courage to step up to the coffin again and told him in my heart that "You'll be nice up there ya, short f**k"

It was also paradoxical that Usain Bolt broke the world record yesterday, being the 100m wasnt his pet event. It was paradoxical that after all the free spending all summer long, Totenham would lose to Boro. It was paradoxical that in death you will find life and vice versa...

Hopefully, Lee Chong Wei would win Gold in the men's badminton final later...Hopefully... I dont know what to believe or what to say these days.

And ya, thank you to all who came to my convocation last Sunday in UKM, really appreciate it. Last but not least, Kelly if you reading this. Remember ya, life must go on!!

Cow Sai....

Got it from someone.. just a stress reliever..enjoy
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SOCIALISM : You have 2 cows, so you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM : You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM : You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM : You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM : You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

PUTRAISM : You have two cows, the State takes one and gives it to your putra neighbour. From the milk you sell from the remaining cow you buy a bull and mulitply your herd. The State takes 30 per cent of your herd as it grows and give them to your putra neigbour. Your neighbour has a kenduri each time they receive a cow.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM : You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION : You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION : You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION : You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows because you're sobering up and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION : You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINA CORPORATION : You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You worship them

A BRITISH CORPORATION : You have two cows. Both are mad.

Being a Fillial Son

My dad has always been a leading light to me. Even though we weren't rich, we ate like kings. I understood prudence, being responsible and being a loud mouth from him. At the times he treats me like a friend, at times his worst enemy and at times; as a son.

My dad has been in and out of the hospital for the past 14 months. His longest stay was 43 days. Needless to say, he is a very very sick man. Like they say, the bigger you are; the harder you fall. His ego is unmatchable, his pride even I cant match up to him. So when he was sick; you could see the once great man destroyed, vanquished. He couldnt walk, he just lay down on his hospital bed. I changed his diapers everyday when I was back from UKM last time. He didnt thank me at all. I agreed with him, it was my responsibility after all.

His condition has improved since, but frustration has gotten the better of him. As a friend of my put it the other day, he is a loose cannon now. Spitting out angry, venomous remarks without a care for the world nor the company he was with. That made me boil over.

We are like cats and dogs stuck in a small pound. I cant stand his outright illogical demands, he cant stand my outright impudence. I was being very rude to him all of a sudden, a simple yes or no question can turn into a shouting match involving sticks and knives. That was the degree of our disagreements. I hated him for once, he is not the man he used to be.

Today, as I was eating Hokkien mee near the jelutong post office in the morning, the hawker asked me; where was your dad who used to buy noodles for you every morning? I responded with a mellow explanation on how he was in and out of the hospital for 14 months for multiple illnesses. Then suddenly, it struck me; I have always been the apple of dad's eye. He loved me alot when I was younger, why the hell am I treating him that way? He used to give in to my illogical demands, he used to do whatever I wanted him to do. Why cant I treat him the same now? Why must I treat him like he's a beggar on the street? I love my dad...but why am I tormenting him further with all his illnesses and all?

That made me realise that I need to be a better son from now on. Fight and argue less with him,give him some leeway as his my father and try very hard, once again to be a fillial son. Dad, i love you. I promise I will give my all to be a better son.

The beginning of an era...or so I thought

My life has turn on its head, i've never really explored or deeply analyzed what went wrong in my life..There are a few things that I would love to lay bare to all to listen, but sadly..im no longer an outspoken person, i've learnt to let my feelings stew and simmer inside. I no longer have the mood or the comic timing anymore to crack any joke...I'm no longer funny, my best friend summed it up the best the other day..i'm the joke...

All my life, i've personally thought that I have a mental illness. Honest to God. I can be extroverted and introverted just minutes apart. Im outspoken by nature but sometimes, somehow..i can keep quiet for so long, people will start asking me to talk. I love science and at the same time ii love the arts. I always project myself as a gentle giant, but i have an inner monster hiding inside. I've always failed to keep my promises to the people that are close to me. Those closer to me, gets hurt more often. I have anger issues...one time i took a chopping knife and hack it next to my dad, in rage...to a certain extent, ya..i wanted to kill him...

I've been good with words over the past few years of my life...but it took my professor to wake me up...i could lie and not lie for the sake of saving someone's ass...but lie for fun and lie to a certain extent it seems true..I dunno, subconsciously i thought lying was ok..subconsciously i thought not telling the whole truth was not wrong...

I loved my ex-gf alot..to a certain extent is too much. I'm a jerk. I technically forced her hand to a break up. Not because I didnt love her anymore, but because I just didnt want to trouble her. My smoking, health problems, financial problems...well I'm more of her burden to her than she thinks that she is to me..

The only thing that I can take satisfaction from these days, is my work...my life revolves around my work... I wished I could work longer hours, I wished that I could just sleep in the office, which technically I could...but hey, there are boundaries.

A third of my salary will go to my mom as "rent"...no choice, staying under their roof. I've calculated already, for next monthmy disposable income is just a mere RM120. Thats just 4 bucks a day..................

How the hell am I gonna maintain a gf then? only god knows..and boy, do i feel like killing something after this post.

Of Painkillers and A Painful Spinal Problem

Hmmm, to consume or not to consume..those blue and white pills are very tempting..they ease my pain but somehow, there are bad for me. Haih life, short term gain or long term gain? which ones are better? no one can give me a definite answer? then, i shall be steadfast and forge forward with my goals in life..regardless if there is a pain barrier or not..

Rising cost of living

78 cents increase per litre, well..its not much when compared to the oil prices around the southeast asian region. Thailand has a petrol price of RM 4.00 per litre while philipines is around there too.. True, it will be costlier now to travel. The REBATE of rm625 is insufficient to cover the petrol hike for most Malaysians. But, considering the fact that its USD 130 per barrel of oil now, i sincerely think its the right move to take by the government. Subsidies must be better allocated rather than spending around 56 billion a year on petrol subsidies, hopefully the allocation of subsidies this time around will be just and well distributed.

But what I dont get, is the mob mentality of Malaysians who queue up to save RM 16 for a full tank. True, you save...but whats the point of being stuck in the frenzy for oil and subject yourself to a few hours of torture for a full tank of petrol. Its not as if the petrol are free...

I've started working freelance for a friend's company. I will officially start work on the 1st of July. Its essentially a headhunting firm called Yellow Elevator. Its webbased..if you guys are free, visit the website. If anyone needs a job or a better one, give me a call or msg me.. I will try my sincere best to recommend you for the designated job. The system is also launching in Singapore, HK, Australia, Thailand and Dubai around the same time. So feel free to contact me.

But the pay is a bit on the low side..its just 1.5K per month. But i have a company phone and that i can claim 40 cents per litre of petrol...considering the rise of the petrol prices, hell its not looking good at all..but hey, im in for the experience and maybe i will find a better job in the future. But for the next 3-5 years, i see myself commiting fully to the cause of Yellow Elevator.

Hopefully, i'll be able to afford petrol when it rises to RM 4.00 per litre in the future. =)

HOME

Haih, going back to penang...finally, for good?Who knows..will pick my fights properly now. Life is full of possibilities and I will have to grab them as they come along..Till then. I will be on a hiatus as there are no internet connections in my humble abode in penang..

Fallen Angel

Life, has taken a turn for the worse for me. Got ditched last minute for my RA job, thesis just finally completed after a long delay which wasnt my fault, binding it cost 73.90, and alas, my car radiator leaked....WHY am I punished on all fronts? WHY?

the bigger you are, the harder you fall

All my good work for the past year has been unraveled by my friend in a week. My marketing team managed to get 10K for the stupid college dinner. It was a great achievement considering the fact that for all the previous years, they got less than 1K...so what did that idiot do, well..he came up with a fake budget..and after a lot of scrutinizing by the college administration, we we're short of 7K, either that idiot telan the money or some hanky panky is going on...Haih, sad..and he spent 1.2 K on a stupid black coloured steps with lights..which was so small that it was negligible. haih, pathetic, and the college principal thinks i had a part in it..and is reconsidering my fellowship.. Crap, really crap...

And then, im currently officially broke. I've left only 2 ringgit to survive; hmmm let me see.. 2 weeks... stupid air cond gas and my stupid smoking habit....haih...I'm just plain sad.

I really need help financially, if anyone can contribute, please call me... thanks, or leave a msg..I'll try to stop smoking..I will.

Hmm, if pigs can fly

Haih, when u need to settle for a nett of 500 instead of 1200. You know that things will take a turn for the bad. But what intrigues me is the fact that i need to pay for lots of stuff nowadays. My petrol cost me on average 45 per week. My cigarettes; yes i still smoke cos around 6 per day.. Food has been on average 500 bucks per month. My handphone bills are costing aroung 80 per month. So basically im set back, well RM 950 per month. and getting 500 a month wont be able to help me out.

Plus its exam season which equates to more supper, more cigarettes and more petrol. I'm actually swamped now with keeping my finances in check that i've lost the drive and the mood to study at all. I've been watching season 1 to season 10 of friends at least 3 times already...and i haven't started studying on the paper for this coming monday. sad huh.

Hmm, trying very hard to patch things up with my gf, who by the way. came all the way to UKM to meet me on the 29th. I didnt do much to impress her, but i did in a certain way, hahaha.

My dad is scheduled for surgery again on the 12th of may..and im worried like hell that his heart will not be able to take it. I worry about my mom who has to do everything in the house because of dad's sickness..Mom, I love you, happy mother's day. Dad stay healthy for your sake.

So thats about it, im sick and need to correct my thesis as soon as possible..Or ya, and binding the copies will set me back another 90..If only a pig like me could fly..

Fallacy of Men

Hmm, men are hypocrites to a certain extent. On the topic that was brought up by Raja Petra on the Ugly Malaysian, i see some truths in it. When it comes to election we identify ourselves as Malaysian..once the elections are over, we'll the ugly side of Malaysians come out...Racism..Will this ever end? Will we see a woman and non-Muslim Prime Minister? We'll have to wait...how long i don't know.

Hypocrites...well you'll either one or you're not. But chances are most people are. I myself have been a hypocrite on several levels...

1. Didn't stop smoking and telling my love ones I will stop
2. Procrastinating on my thesis..and blaming others and not myself
3. Promise to go on a diet and didn't..

Well i sincerely hope that I change..honestly i despise hypocrites yet I'm becoming one..its just kinda sad.

But hey, things are looking up. I will be getting the fellow position in my college and my RA job looks most likely to happen now.Hmm, everything is going well at the moment..I just can pray that it goes well until I graduate..

God, show me the way...

New Challenges

Life has been kind to me in the recent week, ive gotten verbal approval for my RA position under my current thesis supervisor, patched up my relationship and hopefully its stronger now and will be driving in campus from April onwards..Yeah, so life has been kind to me yet again.

The challenges that i will face are daunting, im finally moving into a career albeit slowly. Maintaining a Long Distance Relationship will be much harder now, and completing my thesis which has been anything but satisfactory...

Thank god, i still have responsive friends who reacts accordingly when I need help. Thank you for being in my life, and I will always be grateful.

Debating has stalled a bit but Im involved in my college dinner, so far the marketing department that is under my supervision has done a great job and so a great burden has been lifted from my shoulders..Hopefully I can become a college fellow next semester in order to obtain free accommodation as I continue my MSc.

I miss penang, my parents and my gf but there is nothing in my power to be back home for a long a period of time. Needless to say, there has been nagging and I've gotten used to it after all this years...

I've shaved my head bald again in hopes to start afresh on things that are in my life...Life changing moments dont come that often and I sincerely pray to God that he gives me the strength to move on and come out on top...

Men react differently when they are in the eye of the storm, some are dumb with fear, others panic but some soar like eagles above the storm riding the wind..Hopefully I can be an eagle.. =)

Im back in UKM

Chinese New Year was fun this year..did everything I planned for...Happy Chinese New Year to you all

new

a new semester has started..but i dont feel like studying...

a new year has begun, but i dont feel like a brand new person

haih