The beginning of an era...or so I thought

My life has turn on its head, i've never really explored or deeply analyzed what went wrong in my life..There are a few things that I would love to lay bare to all to listen, but sadly..im no longer an outspoken person, i've learnt to let my feelings stew and simmer inside. I no longer have the mood or the comic timing anymore to crack any joke...I'm no longer funny, my best friend summed it up the best the other day..i'm the joke...

All my life, i've personally thought that I have a mental illness. Honest to God. I can be extroverted and introverted just minutes apart. Im outspoken by nature but sometimes, somehow..i can keep quiet for so long, people will start asking me to talk. I love science and at the same time ii love the arts. I always project myself as a gentle giant, but i have an inner monster hiding inside. I've always failed to keep my promises to the people that are close to me. Those closer to me, gets hurt more often. I have anger issues...one time i took a chopping knife and hack it next to my dad, in rage...to a certain extent, ya..i wanted to kill him...

I've been good with words over the past few years of my life...but it took my professor to wake me up...i could lie and not lie for the sake of saving someone's ass...but lie for fun and lie to a certain extent it seems true..I dunno, subconsciously i thought lying was ok..subconsciously i thought not telling the whole truth was not wrong...

I loved my ex-gf alot..to a certain extent is too much. I'm a jerk. I technically forced her hand to a break up. Not because I didnt love her anymore, but because I just didnt want to trouble her. My smoking, health problems, financial problems...well I'm more of her burden to her than she thinks that she is to me..

The only thing that I can take satisfaction from these days, is my work...my life revolves around my work... I wished I could work longer hours, I wished that I could just sleep in the office, which technically I could...but hey, there are boundaries.

A third of my salary will go to my mom as "rent"...no choice, staying under their roof. I've calculated already, for next monthmy disposable income is just a mere RM120. Thats just 4 bucks a day..................

How the hell am I gonna maintain a gf then? only god knows..and boy, do i feel like killing something after this post.