Suffocation....

From the looks of it, I'm gonna lose my job in the near future. The frustrating part, its not about performances, but rather the opportunity that the market gives; which is none at the moment.

Its sad, after putting your heart and soul into something and at the end of the day, it accounts for nothing. Will start job hunting asap...

How ironic, the headhunter needs to hunt for jobs..

In retrospect..

I missed being a student...sigh.. I missed waking up when its 2pm and sleep when its 6am...i miss all of it...

Some...

Sometimes, somewhere in life; you want something so bad but you cant have it....

Sometimes, somewhere in life; you need someone so bad but you cant have her....

Sometimes, somewhere in life; life mimics death....

Sometimes. somewhere in life; you loath yourself till your last breath...

Sometimes...wanting to be somebody;some day, somewhere...will cause misery untold...

Sometimes...someday i will not leave a single stone unturned...

Sometimes, somewhat, somehow...i'll be somebody someday...

Closures

Do you ever had the feeling that you need to close some chapters of your life badly? I do, without closure.. i find it hard to move on. Indecisiveness is a trait that i would like to discard for good, but sometimes when it comes to heart strings being tugged, you cant help but be indecisive.

Life as it seems is a tad too simple for me this days. Goals and ambition has been intertwined with money and getting out of the rat race. I need closure to move on. And i did get some this week and hopefully some next week.

But my past has always come back and bite me in the ass, no matter how hard i try to accommodate or avoid it, it still hurts. To me, its the little things in life that matters the most. A simple smile or a compliment goes a long way. I have bore the brunt of being the joke with friends for god knows how long. But I don't mind, because I've gotten accustomed with it. Nicknames and derogatory remarks i usually shrugged off with the simplest of ease.

But it hurts badly, when someone close to you choose to take the low road and bombard you with cheap shots. I don't mind, because of that person's actions, I have found the closure I need to move on. I've tried very very hard to keep in touch with my friends. No matter of what creed and race, I tried...sometimes too hard.

Recently went out to dinner with 2 old friends. They said I've change. To a certain extent i did. What strikes me the most about old friends is that, they still think and assume you were the same person before. Even though there is no apparent physical change, they assume you are still the same.

The only thing that is permanent is change. People evolve and grow, they don't stagnate at a certain point for quite long. Growing older is mandatory yet I don't see a lot of people growing up. I remember a debater friend finely put in an argument where he applied the Normal graph. Problem is, i do not know how many plateaus i must hit before i reach my peak, or how many before I fall. This plateau I'm facing now in life is interesting and challenging. I'm concentrating a lot on work which is challenging and interesting in nature. I get to meet CEOs and top management level people of all sorts of company. I genuinely enjoy my line of work regardless of monetary gains. However I need closure on certain issues, and thank God I got them.

It's sad in a sense that, my love life has hit rock bottom. haha. but all is good. I've gotten a closure on a very long and painful issue. So I'm happy. But life is never kind...will never be kind and when you down for the count, some idiot will spit on your face. I'm ok. I've mastered the art of laughing at yourself and too a certain extent, ridicule for life. Its all or nothing. I'll be a milionaire before im 35 or i will die trying. I've gotten very gung ho about things. Im not sure whether its for the better or worse...But time will tell if I made the right choices and I close the right chapters in my life. Cheers!!

In Memory of Cien Yang

It has been somewhat a very paradoxical week for me. I've attended 2 wakes in a space of a week. One is Jia Sheng's late grandmother wake and the other one was for a good friend by the name of Teoh Cien Yang. Its paradoxical that you only realize how much the person is worth to you when you when they are gone. Its paradoxical that you only realize that the person closest to you doesnt always have to be the person you knew longer...

It was a heart wrenching site as I saw Cien Yang's body twice... The 1st time was with Noel, Yen Chong and Stefan...blood was oozing out from his nose. As they have already nailed the casket, they couldnt clean it.

The 2nd time was with Kelly, who was my junior in UKM. She and two of her friends Steph and Lynn (im not sure how to spell her name) flew down from KL as soon as she heard about the news. Kelly only knew Cien Yang for 4 months.

Again it was a fate worst than death for me, to actually bring them to Cien Yang's body to pay their respects. They cried, they were stupified and they wallowed in grief. I try keeping a brave face all the time. Eventually a tear or 2 came out and I went for a fag.

His nickname for me in Free School was fat f**k, and my nickname for him was short f**k. We were close because of 2 things, 1. The Editorial Board and 2. Only heroes will only heroes. Haha, sounds a bit of cliche, but ya in other words only the cheeky ones will know the cheeky ones. I finally found courage to step up to the coffin again and told him in my heart that "You'll be nice up there ya, short f**k"

It was also paradoxical that Usain Bolt broke the world record yesterday, being the 100m wasnt his pet event. It was paradoxical that after all the free spending all summer long, Totenham would lose to Boro. It was paradoxical that in death you will find life and vice versa...

Hopefully, Lee Chong Wei would win Gold in the men's badminton final later...Hopefully... I dont know what to believe or what to say these days.

And ya, thank you to all who came to my convocation last Sunday in UKM, really appreciate it. Last but not least, Kelly if you reading this. Remember ya, life must go on!!

Cow Sai....

Got it from someone.. just a stress reliever..enjoy
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SOCIALISM : You have 2 cows, so you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM : You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM : You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM : You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM : You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

PUTRAISM : You have two cows, the State takes one and gives it to your putra neighbour. From the milk you sell from the remaining cow you buy a bull and mulitply your herd. The State takes 30 per cent of your herd as it grows and give them to your putra neigbour. Your neighbour has a kenduri each time they receive a cow.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM : You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION : You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION : You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION : You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows because you're sobering up and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION : You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINA CORPORATION : You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You worship them

A BRITISH CORPORATION : You have two cows. Both are mad.

Being a Fillial Son

My dad has always been a leading light to me. Even though we weren't rich, we ate like kings. I understood prudence, being responsible and being a loud mouth from him. At the times he treats me like a friend, at times his worst enemy and at times; as a son.

My dad has been in and out of the hospital for the past 14 months. His longest stay was 43 days. Needless to say, he is a very very sick man. Like they say, the bigger you are; the harder you fall. His ego is unmatchable, his pride even I cant match up to him. So when he was sick; you could see the once great man destroyed, vanquished. He couldnt walk, he just lay down on his hospital bed. I changed his diapers everyday when I was back from UKM last time. He didnt thank me at all. I agreed with him, it was my responsibility after all.

His condition has improved since, but frustration has gotten the better of him. As a friend of my put it the other day, he is a loose cannon now. Spitting out angry, venomous remarks without a care for the world nor the company he was with. That made me boil over.

We are like cats and dogs stuck in a small pound. I cant stand his outright illogical demands, he cant stand my outright impudence. I was being very rude to him all of a sudden, a simple yes or no question can turn into a shouting match involving sticks and knives. That was the degree of our disagreements. I hated him for once, he is not the man he used to be.

Today, as I was eating Hokkien mee near the jelutong post office in the morning, the hawker asked me; where was your dad who used to buy noodles for you every morning? I responded with a mellow explanation on how he was in and out of the hospital for 14 months for multiple illnesses. Then suddenly, it struck me; I have always been the apple of dad's eye. He loved me alot when I was younger, why the hell am I treating him that way? He used to give in to my illogical demands, he used to do whatever I wanted him to do. Why cant I treat him the same now? Why must I treat him like he's a beggar on the street? I love my dad...but why am I tormenting him further with all his illnesses and all?

That made me realise that I need to be a better son from now on. Fight and argue less with him,give him some leeway as his my father and try very hard, once again to be a fillial son. Dad, i love you. I promise I will give my all to be a better son.